Morning found me

This is part truth, part lie. It doesn’t bother me that you are right. It bothers me that I think I did something wrong. It seems so shallow to need reassurance.

Insomnia, my once familiar torment, took a stranger turn the night after I scattered her ashes. Insomnia, those long minutes of sleeplessness ridden out until I could sink back into what was left of the night, changed to panic, an hourly waking from dreams of amnesia and failure.

Morning found me staring down the all consuming nothing. Because she, finally and forever, is no longer in the world, and there was nobody to hear my grief.

(This isn’t true.)

I took a week and spent it idly. I took too much to drink. I drowned myself in absence. I surrounded myself with friends.

It didn’t work, so I took a walk to the doctor. I took some pills and another week ticking over. I drowned myself in abstinence.

Grief is like moving in a still frame. Everything paused but still in motion. Numb and silent, I’m waiting, unable to articulate what I need. I don’t know what I need. I don’t know how to ask.

It seems so shallow.

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Written in response to Low from the R.E.M. album Out of Time

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